Introduction
Having been together for five years, my girlfriend and I initially couldn’t keep our hands off each other. At the beginning, our passion was so intense that we would sometimes have sex multiple times a day. Back then, I was 60 and she was 51. After the first year, we settled into a routine of engaging in intimacy two or three times a week, during which she often experienced multiple orgasms.
Changes During the Pandemic
The pandemic introduced significant stress into our lives, which eventually affected our intimacy. My girlfriend began experiencing hot flashes and mentioned feeling different in her intimate areas. Although she had a hysterectomy years ago, she still has her ovaries, making the situation unclear at first. I noticed that if I masturbated, she might get aroused and join in, leading to intercourse. However, as our relationship became more strained, our intimate moments ceased altogether. She consulted her doctor about the hot flashes but not about the decline in our sexual relationship. We have had serious discussions and agreed to focus on improving our relationship, and things are better now, with her expressing happiness. We sometimes cuddle in bed, but she still turns down my advances, often by pushing my hand away and saying “unh-uh.” On occasions, I wake up to find her using a vibrator, and when I try to join, she bluntly states, “I’m just doing this so I can go to sleep,” closing off the possibility of further conversation. Is this situation as straightforward as it seems?
Hopes and Concerns
In the past, I held onto hope, but now I wonder if I’m staying only because her daughter, who sees me as a stepfather, will soon leave for college. As the saying goes: “Sex is only 10 percent of a marriage when it’s good, but when it’s bad, it’s 90 percent.”
Understanding the Situation
Your frustrations are understandable. Wanting to have sex with your girlfriend is a normal and healthy desire. On the other hand, her lack of interest due to pandemic stress and bodily changes is also normal. However, you’re at an impasse because neither of you is at fault, yet you have differing desires.
Finding a Path Forward
Consider reading “Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections” by Emily Nagoski, Ph. D. The book offers insights on how long-term partners can rekindle their sexual connection after a period of stagnation. Nagoski points out that disinterest in sex often arises from stress or anxiety, not necessarily a lack of stimuli. Therefore, introducing kink or sex toys may not address the underlying issue. Instead, focus on identifying and alleviating stressors affecting her libido.
Practical Steps
Start by asking your girlfriend if there’s anything you can do to ease her life. Simple gestures like cooking dinner or running errands might reduce her stress. If she feels physically uncomfortable, consider giving her a massage or booking a professional one to help her relax. Removing stressors and making her feel cared for can potentially reignite her desire for intimacy.
Building Emotional Connection
Engage in activities that deepen your bond, such as cooking together, walking, or sharing thoughts and feelings on Localfucksite. Attempting to initiate sex without emotional connection is like trying to ignite a fire with only two small twigs; you need more substantial fuel. Strengthening your connection throughout the day provides the warmth and energy needed for nighttime intimacy.
Exploring Non-Sexual Intimacy
Explore other forms of intimacy that do not revolve around sex, such as cuddling, kissing, or giving each other massages. These activities can help maintain your connection and create a relaxed atmosphere.
Seeking Professional Help
If these steps do not lead to improvement, consider consulting a couple’s sex therapist. In a therapeutic setting, issues might surface that are not addressed in one-on-one discussions, regardless of how well you communicate. A professional can help your girlfriend better understand and articulate what’s hindering her desire.
Conclusion
Ultimately, You don’t want to spend your life without sexual intimacy. However, breaking up over this issue would be unfortunate, especially since other aspects of your relationship appear strong. With patience and effort, you can work together to restore your sexual connection.