When Brandy Engler, Ph. D., began her journey as a sex therapist, she anticipated working with women whose sexual appetites had waned. To her surprise, it was the men who started reaching out.
Engler discovered, “Men possess a rich internal world of emotions and experiences concerning sex.” However, since they’re often not encouraged to openly discuss feelings, sex becomes their alternative means of expression.
This revelation inspired her book, The Men on My Couch, which compiles insightful case studies from her practice. One notable example involves a couple whose passion fizzled out, offering lessons on how to rekindle such relationships.
Alex, a research scientist with a nerdy charm, was in a relationship with Kasha, a Brazilian woman known for her exotic allure. Initially, there was undeniable passion, with Kasha drawn to the security Alex provided. However, after moving in together, their sexual encounters turned mundane. The passion disappeared, Kasha swapped her lingerie for casual wear, and she began an affair with a Russian man she described as assertive and intense.
When cohabiting, the transition from lover to roommate can occur, which isn’t exactly a recipe for desire. Engler notes, “You witness her in less appealing states-sick, down, or lounging in pajamas. The mystery fades.”
This is where the “sexual intimacy paradox” emerges-emotional closeness can dampen sexual desire. So, what’s the solution?
“You must learn to view her not just as your best friend, but also as a sexual being,” Engler advises. “And she should see you the same way.”
While this may seem contrary to what women typically desire in a partner, in a monogamous relationship, women crave to be seen with an intense, desirous gaze.
Try to infuse everyday routines with a hint of seduction.
“If she’s just standing there washing dishes, consider what you could do to make the moment more sensual,” Engler suggests. “It doesn’t always mean sex-it could be sharing flirtatious remarks or playful gestures.”
This approach can reignite the spark reminiscent of your relationship’s early days when her every move captivated you.
Don’t Expect to Do It Every Day
Over-initiating can lead to routine, uninspired encounters, Engler warns.
Conversely, giving her space to desire intimacy can lead to passionate moments with an eager partner.
“Release the notion that a truly loving couple must engage in daily sex,” she explains. “Focus on quality over quantity.”
When you sense her disinterest, step back and be open. Say, “It feels like we’re just going through the motions. What would truly excite you?”
Such honesty can be refreshing for her, prompting her to take responsibility for her desires and set the mood for your intimate moments.